Today while filling a form for the Gastroentnology (that is correct spelling)I found in my history that I have a Schatzki ring in the esophagus. No one ever told me that. I forget the word for the spasms I can get that and bring food back instead of taking it down. I knew I had that. I take medicine for Gastric Reflux and have for years.  Making all this worse would be anxiety which I have trying to care for Wil.

Next week I go to have that tube shoved down my throat and after a few days of a sore throat hopefully I can swallow normally again. Had it done a couple times, last time the Dr. found a web. Never found out what that meant as he didn't have me come for a follow up. He was getting ready to retire.

Supervisor for the City Solid Waste Dept. called me as he saw the form my Dr. signed that I have a permanent disability. I choked up and almost started to cry. I told him that is something I have not really accepted yet. Of course the news was on and the fact the Queen had died was also affecting my emotions. Add to all that was this morning trying to accomplish some outside things. I got Wil out to help with it but he was having trouble understanding that I could get the hose to the driveway to rinse the dirt off the siding.  The humidity out there was getting to me so I came in with him and sat down with a cold drink of water.

After lunch PT showed up. I figured I had the wrong day, I did. She is a big help and glad to hear today the neuropathy in my legs and feet was not there. We worked at the sink in the kitchen for my thing to hold on while I marched. Then the knee bends were hard as I can't get the backside to do what it should. As she finished up and I stood up so she could see why I can't stand long, I learned to use my toes and lean slightly forward. Believe it or not that works. Before my weight was on my heels without me realizing it.  I hope my new shoes let me feel my feet better than these.

Need to get going I want to order a peddle thing from Amazon. She said she would put it together if it needed it when she comes next week.

Wil's breakfast and pills done and I changed shoes and headed for WalMart. But first it is up to the Credit Union for some cash, then gas the car and head on.  Tucked the withdrawal in the glove box after remembering it was in my purse and people do snatch purses in stores. Unlock and put it in glove box. Start off again. After getting some donuts and cup of cheese cakes found the way for ham hocks. Huge of course and no idea how I'm going to do this crock pot recipe. Will think about it tomorrow.  Mask on the whole time.

Found my way at home, only half what I bought!  Tried to call them, forget it. Changed my shoes and off I went. 83 humid degrees. The clerk had taken them to Customer Service. There was no walker and an employee went and grabbed a chair while he finished finding the few groceries. I had picked the bag up on top of the bag thing and not see the bag below.  I was to busy while she was bagging checking my cash. No mask this time.

Slight break in writing, went and took a nap. lol

This morning Wil was really confused. Wanted to know if his mom was coming.  The other night when I locked the door he asked how she would get in. Today I did tell him his mom had never been here in TX. He seemed satisfied with that.

As I left for the store I asked him to put the laundry in the washer. He came and asked me what I told him to do. Told him again.  The hamper was still sitting there when I got home. He can't even remember in a short time span now. I just did that to see if he could remember, he couldn't. Later when I was resting I ask him to bring me my purse, told him where it would be. Table or the side bar. Took him forever looking. He can't see things right in front of him either. In this case it was the instructions were to much for him to remember I think.

Just trying to figure out if I should leave him alone or not. He was fine for this mornings run but for a doctors appt. for me I doubt it. Especially when it is a doctor that runs late.  I'm still looking for a driver due to the long distance. Trying to keep trips short and just around here. Dr. Mireas said the problems I'm having with concrete feet are coming from my back, not diabetes.

News on the feral Miss Kitty. She seems to be adapting well inside. She and Mr.Grey play a lot and sometimes rough. She might weigh 5 lbs. to his 11 lbs.  She rubs against my hand when I put food down and will even lick my hand. When she stretches by me she expects petted. I picked her up only once, put her right back down, she also has claws.  Wil watches them but makes no attempt to pet her.  He still calls Mr. Grey a black cat. That's understandable as at night he looks black.

7:35 pm  sign off.  102 degrees today.

Wil was getting his shoes on to go fill bird baths out back while I was pulling Monday trash bin to the front yard. By the time I got back in I didn't see him and came back to the office. Shortly after my alarm alerts back door open. I hollered I'm back here. Heard it open again. Now the cats are in the garage in the afternoon so I got out to see what he was doing. He apparently didn't know why he was out there so no water in bird baths. I told him to go watch TV I didn't want cats out. So he is.

The day has been better than yesterday when my coccyx would not let me sit. Walking is still painful though. That is the day was better until the phone rang.  A friend of Evelyn's I guess. Evelyn is the woman that assists Wil with shower and shave and works sometimes the Respite Care spot.  I also pay her on her day off to do my floors and make that bed.

This stranger has a large room we could move in to. What the heck!  Evelyn was here the day May brought me home crying after a doctor's appt. She knew it was because May told me we needed to go into assisted living.  She heard me ranting about it. She heard me say NO way. Why would she talk to this lady about this?  I'll have to ask her Wednesday, this is not a matter for a phone call.

I know people are concerned because my health is not the best and we have no family now. Just how do they think I could liquidate this 3 bedroom home by myself?  I'm not able to drive far now so how would I find a place?  I will not give up the cats, they are comfort to me and the little feral loves curtains. Working on her about furniture now.

These facilities start at $3500 a month, add your tv, internet, phone and anything else you need. If Wil's dementia went down hill and he did not adapt I would be paying two places as I sat alone in assisted living.

Wil is fed, his clothes cleaned, his medications dispensed and for the most part he seems happy. He still picks on me when others are around. It is hard to communicate with him as he can't hear even if I manage to get him to put the one hearing aid in. His quiet voice has become so soft you can hardly hear him and the dementia has taken words out of his mouth as he tries to communicate some times.

I wear my pendant on getting up and until bedtime. The new one in by the bathtub would allow Brinks to open the front door for help should I fall.  Yes I still fall when least expected, once this month. I'm using my walker more in the house than I was. At night bathroom trips are still wall walking. lol  I do know this house is so full of furniture a wheel chair would be impossible. With the torn rotator cuff I doubt I could use one any way.

It isn't that I've not given things a thought. May said when Wil dies she just knows I'll stay here. So why the hell bring it up?

Not many people reading Michel and I seem to run out of time most days. 6:30 p.m. and I'm just getting back here to finish emails.

Today was a hard day for me. Didn't get a good nights sleep as I didn't take pain meds at bedtime. I couldn't as 3 p.m. yesterday sitting here my back and legs pitched a holy fit and I had to take one then.  I wasn't going to stay up until 11 p.m. to take a bed time pill. I'm tired by 9:30, give Wil is bedtime meds, freshen kitty litter, bathroom stuff and follow Wil as he goes to bed. I usually have to help him get his night undies on as he won't wear pajama's so I bought him colored undies for bed.

So up at 1 a.m. on ice pack in recliner. Took meds at 5 a.m. got cats their breakfast shortly after, took care of litter and went back to the heating pad in the recliner. Got a little sleep until 6 a.m. When Evelyn came in at 9:20 a.m. I had already given Wil his breakfast and his pills.  I still hurt some but picked up the new CPAP I was donating to his doctor since he doesn't need it any more.  Both feet and half way up my legs that tingly feeling I often have, neuropathy.

Things were OK until I got to the first long light. Back and leg aggravated so I put the car in park and foot on the floor. As the light changes back in drive and off I go until the next long light. All this time I have the heat on my back from my heated seat.  By the time I was another long light I was feeling pain and my foot really hurt so I was trying to figure out who I could call to come get me with someone along to drive my car home.

I pulled up and called Gary to come get the machine and called Kate. She couldn't come and by then tears had started. May was at the hospital with a friend having surgery so she was out. Gary is at the window watching me struggle to get some composure. So I called Millie. Knowles had just left but she would come get me and he could come for my car, except I'm in a red zone and the car can't be standing there as it would be considered abandoned.

Gary had me move over and he drove me into his spot in the parking garage. I did not have my walker as I didn't expect to get out, only had my cane. He went and got a wheel chair as I called Millie to tell her I'd be out front in a wheelchair.  The Dr. came out to see is I was OK.

Gary stayed inside with me in the air conditioning as I called Millie to find out what her car was I forgot.  They got me in the car but my mind wasn't working as I didn't tell Millie she needed to turn at the light. I eventually got us back my way.   I had pain med at 4, aspirin at 8 and slowly the back pain eased.  I had called and Evelyn would stay with Wil until I got home.

Another pain pill at noon, more ice pack, feet up and I've been using the walker since in the house. Until....supper, I have indigestion. I fed Wil potato salad, coleslaw, 2 slices spam, V8 juice. (now 7 p.m. his nose is in the refrigerator looking for something to eat). All of a sudden he won't eat chocolate pudding and that is about all I have. Can of peaches go on cereal after bananas are gone and I'm not opening a whole can.

Earlier I ask him to go get the flag. He said he already did, I opened the door, nope on the pole. He got pissed and said someone must of come in and put it back up. So I got my cane and went out and got it. Locked the door, set the one alarm. If his mind has skipped town can't leave the house un secure in triple digit heat.

Just now Miss Kitty came in. Went to go feed her, her bowl is missing. Mr. Grey's bowl found its way to the kitchen off the little tray. ?? Ask Wil if he had seen it when I showed him what the bowl looks like. He got  up and kind of looked around.  I can't imagine Miss Kitty dragging a food bowl to the garage like she dragged my resin breast cancer awareness mouse.

Perhaps it is time for me to take tranquilizers.

I contacted our probate atty as I thought I needed a guardian for Wil if I died. Boy am I embarrassed. I would of been better off re-reading his legal papers because Wil's durable power of attorney I knew named me but didn't realize it allows for whoever his 'agent' is if I die.  sigh..

I'm trying so hard to be sure no stone is unturned and my mind has just gone off track. I'm having more difficult days with him and didn't even think about it after. I have kept a journal on the computer so I could print out anything for his doctor but until I read over it last night I didn't realize how many times he has gotten mad. Seems sundowner times. My friend said he is not being 'childish' as I said it is the dementia. He just doesn't realize it and she is afraid he may strike out at me. That never occurred to me as he has been a gentle soul.

As I re-read I realized I have been in the mode victims of domestic violence, I have blamed myself when he got mad, I sometimes didn't know why he got mad and often I blamed myself as the trigger. Which I have been at times, you just don't argue. When he hits denial I may as well not say "well we are the only two here and I didn't put that in your drawer". Reference my french fries the other day that he took off the kitchen stove and put it in his desk drawer.  Last week I found the chicken he didn't finish wrapped in plastic and paper towels in the bottom drawer of the desk. Wouldn't have found it if I wasn't looking for my military ID.

Now that ID is another story. I went to take him for a hair cut and found it gone. I was able to get on base as I had his. I stewed and looked for 2 days thinking he had picked it up as he does. So yesterday my friend Millie and husband came by to look too. Knowles explained the form I was going to have to fill out for a replacement as well. This was really stressing me.

As they prepared to leave Millie opened the coat closet to look in pockets. She found it! My light jacket, and had probably been there since his last hair cut as it hasn't been cold enough for a jacket.

Knowles also found my social security card in my wallet I had just gone over. It was stuck to the back of another card. I took it out and put it back in the glass barrel it had been in for years. I figure if anyone stole my wallet I'd have a heck of a time replacing it.  I have Wil's back here with his drivers license and house keys and car keys I took from him a long time ago. Won't put it in the glass barrel as he might get in that. I have to hide even groceries. Often he can't remember he just ate.

You see why I'm concerned about me? Aging doesn't help memory. Add to that the days I am in pain. I do have someone right now to do my floors a couple times a month. Yet the new kitchen floor drives me nuts and I try to sweep and use the Swiffer mop on it and bathroom in between.

The VA has Wil on Respite care twice a month so I can make my doctor appointments and they also have him weekly for shave and shower assistance. I still haven't driven to a care center they told me about since the one up the street is not satisfactory.  But I seldom go out as I order groceries.

The cowbells on the door did not work so I found someone to install a battery operated alarm I can turn off and on and I leave it off when I'm around the living room etc. I set it in the late afternoon usually.

I still color to relax and come back here to the computer.

Spent time again today watching and listening. Sharp committee in my opinion. Justice Dept. is listening too.  I am uneasy the way our democracy is heading.  The Trump Republicans have not stopped yet trying to interfere with my votes. Their plan to over take State offices is moving ahead and is down right scary!

I'm not talking about decent Republicans that have sense and know we can't have a King and are a 2 party system.

I'm trying hard not to pay a lot of attention to politics and a Congress that cares more about the rights of the NRA than the rights of little children who deserve to have a life. Military style weapons belong with the military, not my neighbors.  My heart bleeds for the parents and families left to bury their children. It was hard enough for me when we buried our grown children and I can't even imagine not being able to see my child and bid them goodbye because someone decapitated them. One expects this in a war zone not that it would be easy there to bury your child either.

On to the more pleasant, our church mission folks arrived at Malawi today. My friend Karen's passport didn't arrive so I haven't talked to her to see if she will get there later or not. (I didn't think the apostrophe belonged in her name. Word corrected me).

It will be a busy I think 2 wks they will be there. Only 5 of them this time, unless Karen makes it. Moses is waiting for them to finish a 'Granny's' house too. I don't see without James and only pastor David how that will happen.  I follow them on Facebook so I'll find out.

I follow my friend expat Lois in France, she has friends in Ukraine so I get some of those posts. That's tearing her up, she's been there, she taught English there. I should ask her how many languages she speaks. She was forced into retirement and with DT as President here she did not come back. She bought a house and courtyard and barn and has been fixing it up. That's been interesting to me as well.

I just live through all my friends on the internet now. That is the ones I hear from and know what is going on in their lives.

Our weather has been to hot for me to go out with my rollator. I won't leave early a.m. as Wil is not up and I know have to prepare his cereal too. Tues. he didn't put milk on it and wouldn't let me do it and I had an appt. Verlene got him to drink some with lunch.

Don't write much any more, ne news here. I'd just gripe about something like a mail man that won't get off the truck to put our mail in the box. Of course I guess Erlene with Respite care just has never realized he won't and she thinks she left him room. They don't pull trucks straight in Erlene. He has driven by our box when no one was there before. I don't think he likes me since I reported him for not picking up my mail when the flag was up.

My system is off kilter today. I had such horrible leg pain early this morning that I got up. Heating pad was not helping me and I had rubbed the cbd lotion on my back a second time and it seemed I was worse with heat. So up at 4:30 got ice and took a pain pill and headed for the recliner.

Got Wil his cereal, after yesterday when he wouldn't put milk on it or let me or Erlene do it I make sure I do it. He was in a snit yesterday morning for some reason and I had almost forgotten the doctor appt. and had to change clothes.  Headed to the recliner and fell sound asleep.

Finally got him to go sit on the porch and clip his fingernails. Been nagging about that for days.  He needs to shave as his beard also grows fast. He's going to fuss about that I suppose and I won't push. That's why I got the VA to give me a hand with his shower and shaving.

Yesterday Dr. Martinez finally admitted I was not a good candidate for the back procedure to spread the vertebrae in my back at the spinal stenosis. He checked my non ability to raise my feet while he had his hand placed on them. He feels we will just let the pain meds hold the pain. He cautioned to be careful about falling after I told him I can not step on a fast moving spider without landing on my backside. I don't have much padding back there. See disadvantage of losing weight.

Some enjoyment comes here to me watching the cats play. I post pictures of them on FB time and again. Mr.Grey drinks at the bathroom sink and now Miss Kitty has joined him. She also grabbes the old wash cloth I wipe up water with and beats it up as well as pulls the hand towel down to do the same. She is still a kitten I guess. I'm trying to teach her to let me pet her and not try to play with my hand. Obviously she is feral, everything is new to her.

Rain had moved in last night and along came a cool front. Opened windows at 3 a.m. when my sinus tossed me out of bed. Only a couple windows for the cats. Miss Kitty is not batting at my hand as much when I'm at her bowl or putting down treats. I just hold my hand still and let her sniff. A friend of mine thought she may have been an 'in and out' cat but I say she was not. I've only managed to pat ?pet? her back a couple times.

Wil has done real well in not letting either of them out. So far. They kind of stand back from him. On a couple occasions I had to explain to him they were playing as they can get rough.

I got out to walk my 2 blocks today. I have to wait until Wil is up and fed. He has gotten up before and didn't realize I was sitting in the recliner. So I am not comfortable just leaving as it takes me about 40 minutes to walk that far.

The news here of the killing of those children and teachers in Uvalde has left me with a heavy heart. I have to try and not get really angry as there is nothing I can do. I am a member of the Democratic party and know they have legislation but the Republicans are not going to let it go through. I almost have a hate of the hold the National Rifle Assoc. has on them. It's the money they give Congressmen that has the strangle hold. TX passed bills to allow anyone over 18 to have a weapon without a permit, without training. They ignored law enforcement asking them not to do that.

Down off my soap box. Thanks for stopping in.

Do you ever have one of those days you aren't really sure what day it is?  I do that a lot now as so much is the same. Get up, feed cats, get medications out, eat breakfast, ready the coffee pot. Set Wil's cereal and bowl out for later. Watch some of the news, maybe go color, get dressed.

Seldom do I have plans for a day unless there are doctor appointments. Church is now in front of the computer. Groceries are ordered online for the next day delivery. Shopping online is time consuming as so many items are out of stock. I'm blessed I don't have to worry about baby formula. That issue got me to remembering, we made our own formula. Pet milk and Karo into sterilized glass bottles and then rubber nipples.  Those were the years of cloth diapers too. I'm so glad we got a washer and I no longer had to go to the laundromat down the street. I can't remember how much laundromat cost then.

The Veterans Administration now has respite care for Wil and forget the name of the other program that they send someone out to assist him with shower and shave. I was glad to get that as Saturday nights were often a struggle to get him in the shower and he was only in long enough to get wet and he never used his wash cloth. Luckily he will now sit on the shower bench and that makes it easier for Evelyn. She said today she shaved him while he sat there.

I checked out a care place down the street but have no intention of leaving him there. The lounge is all recliners, filthy cloth. Why the owner didn't purchase vinyl recliners I don't know, I'm sure there are some on the market. They had a wall tv and a pool table in that room. Clients sleeping in those chairs that were side by side.

They gave me another address but I just haven't gotten out to find it. Respite is covering the days I have doctor appointments but you only get two a month. That's why I need to check the other care place.

On the advice of a friend and even the pastor, I closed Carissa's Fidelity accounts and put the money in the Savings account and one of the checks I think I put in the Estate account. Don't know at the moment as my brain is at rest today.

Miss Kitty and Mr. Grey are keeping my house decorated with cat hair. They play every morning and night and sleep during the day. Of course toys find their way around the house. Miss Kitty will carry some. Guess that is left over from having kittens. I wonder if the kittens survived? We never saw any and she only weighed 3 lbs. when they sterilized her. She may be 5 lbs. now.

I've had to buy special cat food for Mr. Grey as he got that dreaded male cat crystals and cost me a couple trips to the vet as I couldn't give him his medicine so I had to board him and let the vet do it. He weighs 11lbs. 4 oz. and I was just lucky I got him crated to go to the vet.  My balance is touchy still.

I don't think I have made mention my younger sister died of COVID in Nov. 2020 and I just learned about it last year after Carissa died! That leaves only my brother who has not talked to me since mom died. The lawyer for Patty's estate has been sending me legal papers so they can get her estate settled. Ohio would not let brother be executor as he lives in PA. So any money will end up in lawyers, appraiser, realtor. He had her cremated so if he hadn't paid that money will go there too. I also learned she was in a long term care facility. She loved her alcohol, it probably took a toll.  Oh and of course no Will was found.

Our lives took a horrible change. (header) When I hadn't heard from Carissa we got in the car and it had been so long since I had been to her house I missed the street. Wil just wanted me to go on home, where he is more comfortable. He did not recognize her house or car when I drove up.

The memory is still raw for me. Each Sunday I think back to her visits where we yakked a lot while Wil watched tv. There was no clue anything was wrong. She would show me how her Dexa scan was watching her diabetes. She would talk about work, about politics.  She never got to see Mr.Grey as he is not a people cat and heads for his penthouse in the garage.  I wonder what she would think now that I got Miss Kitty in the house. I can't remember if she even knew about that little feral.

I sat down day before yesterday to clear out greeting cards I have saved. I couldn't do it, most were from Carissa and some from Scott as well. So I closed the box and moved it to the closet in this room.  I'm making room in the other closet for groceries. I can leave none for Wil to see or he will eat them. I got 4 bananas last order, he ate 3 and right after I told him to leave 2. He will take a slice of bread and doesn't make a sandwich. He never tells me he's hungry. Half of that has to be boredom.

I got him to walk with me a couple days ago, not far but he walked. Then another day he went to fill 3 bird baths, only got 2. So later he wanted to go finish and I handed him the recycle basket to dump while out. Apparently he forgot about the bird bath and rolled up the hose and came in.

We got to the VA appointment and the resident asked if he knew why he was there. Mistake, Wil has dementia dum dum. So he asked Wil if he could talk to me. That's no way to evaluate Wil. Wil wanted to go home, were there an hour. Had to wait for Dr. in charge to come talk to me and tell me the social worker should talk to me and arrange any programs they have. If I don't hear from her call her back and she would see what she could do. Haven't done it.

I missed a pain management appointment to find out what the Dexa scan showed and what we could do about my back.  Made an appt. in April to see Dr. Martinez the original Dr.

Started PT for my shoulder last week but she worked some on my balance. Which causes more back and leg pain with some of them. sigh..

Need to go see what I can do for supper. Not enough spaghetti noodles for that.