Today is the first time I can actually remember feeling fear in my body.  I don't even remember feeling it in the hospital when they were asking me if I ever had afib before. I only remember wanting to sleep. That's great with the concussion I had when I hit the floor.  Today I wanted to cry, I wanted to swear and all because I had just read where DT is aggravating the people in the states to go against their Democratic Governors  and buck the stay at home orders.  Would he do that with Republican Governor's?  Who knows but I doubt it.

It's bad enough our country got a late start and still is behind in testing among other things. Now the idiot is encouraging people to go expose everyone they come in contact with if they happen to be a carrier that doesn't know they are a carrier.  And he talks about the Democrats politicizing this.  Something he has done from the start.

Monday our Mayor and County Judge have decreed we are to wear masks when out.  I'm only in public in drive thru to get medicine.  I have a friend in Maryland who said he would send me a mask. To order any it will be May or June delivery. Bless Bill.

I worry about daughter, she is having some physical problems and I don't want to send her for any groceries, so I best get to ordering.  sigh..

Called yesterday to set up the lawn. He and his wife and two young sons came today.  I wonder when the kids get any home schooling if they do.  One thing dad is teaching them to work. The older son doesn't come any more, perhaps because I yelled at him for proceeding to cut the yard without the bag.  Can't apologize to him if I can't see him.

This morning I headed out to Wilford Hall to get the prescription I dropped off yesterday. Their pharmacy must be working over time. We drive up to pick up, no one out of their car. Today the line was long, took me 30 minutes to get to the top.  Trainee's working masks and gloves. They take your information, go inside, you drive forward they come out the lower end with your prescription.

If I had taken money with me I could of done the drive thru at Dunkin Donuts on the way home.  Just what we don't need with the amount of carbs in our diet. When I drove in Wil came out to see if he could carry stuff in the car.  He didn't remember I had not gone for groceries. Our daughter shops for us.

Our kitchen has two fluorescent lights in the ceiling. One has gone real dim and if it starts the aggravating blinking  I'll have to figure out how to get it down. Next week Tina is coming and I'll see if she can help. Neither of us need on a stool for that and certainly not my off balance head.

I made the mistake of saying something on FB and got chastised for it by daughter.  She figured I was hoping someone would offer to help. She doesn't want people coming in the house, understandable, though that isn't how she put it. She may be tactful but I know what she means. I got upset enough I had to fight tears.  I felt like I've had enough of peoples "perceptions" and I don't need any one else fussing at me.  I'm still not over Sue's  bitch.  I know Vikki has told me I must not let others actions control me, and I've always worn my feelings on my sleeve as mother said for years.

My solution at this point, avoid FB.  So if you go there and wonder where I am, there ya go.

Haven't dusted these since before my stroke.  In October that will be 2 yrs.  Can't reach the top without a step stool.  Not allowed.  Who can I get to do it?   You know what will happen don't you?

Wil could hand the things down but then there is a top and I will have to try using my long arm duster from Swifter.

What started all this I opened a bottom door on the right to get something and the top came off.  I moved the chair, got a  pillow to use under my knees when I went to get up and set about trying to get it back.  That is the heaviest little door.

Wanted the flashlight so slid on my backside to get it. Couldn't see on that side so I looked at the other door. That was no help so I used my fingers to figure it out. Wasn't easy but I did it and I got back up as well.

You can see my basket of pens on the stool in that picture. This is the corner I sit in to color.  All the stuff on the shelves have memories. Granted I never thought about dusting when I got old as I gathered stuff.  Don't think any of us did.

The set of Franciscan earthenware belonged to Wil's  Great Aunt Dorothy and Uncle George. It was their every day 'china'. Wil's sister had it, gave it to his brother and one day a package arrived from him.  Not a word why.  He's single and I suspect Sis told him I had asked for the sugar bowl and she forgot.  One time I had looked up pieces for a value but we all know one has to find someone that wants it.

In all honesty I don't remember living through another. There was the HIV/AIDS that didn't effect me personally and I was able to buy toilet tissue and other grocery items at that time.  In 1968 I lived through that flu pandemic, still able to buy food. The Asian flu 1956-1958  I would of been living at home and no memory of what we are going through now.

My friend Kate got me $40 worth of groceries this week, daughter today about $60 more and I still can't fill my cupboards. She was only allowed one pack hamburger and because someone had torn down the limit sign she didn't know that. She could of bought one 2 lb. package for me to split otherwise.  Of course neither she nor Kate could get TP.  Kate went home and dug some of our her cupboard.

Wil is on his last box of Cheerio's, though it is family size bought before this panic shopping.  Carissa could only find one serving size honey nut which he doesn't eat. As his container goes down I'll dump them in it and hope he doesn't notice.  He doesn't understand this virus at all...so empty shelves just don't register.

April will find us out to the podiatrist appt. unless he cancels. Also to our primary for the 3 mo. diabetic check.  The 15th I will be at the dermatologist to have a cancer removed from my nose.  Years ago a basal cell was removed, now it is squamous cell.  I will catch a ride as I won't be in condition to drive after hours of sitting in a waiting room chair.  Not at 5 p.m. any way.

Only thing I'm struggling with right now is trying to keep my attitude adjusted.  I am so disappointed that so many are still clearing shelves every where from dollar stores to office supply.  Good thing they closed restaurants as people would go steal their toilet paper.  Can't imagine how gas stations are keeping any.

Guess I best go clean our bathroom on this rainy dreary day.  Wil watching TV per usual, Pookie napping on top of his cage. (I put comforter and sheets all the way around on the floor in case he falls)

I came home from the grocery store and this lovely arrangement was sitting on the hassock.  Daughter sent it and the note with it is floating around some where.  Wil never ask anything about it and never told me as I came in the door.

Here we go I can't get the image where I want it.  Thanks Xanga. Can't even drag it and I used to be able to.

Next week I go for a bone scan to see if they can figure out what is going on in my hands.  Had to quit coloring today and at 5 a.m. when I had to pull the bottom sheet off the bed The pain was excruciating.

Xrays show no arthritis.  The last injection causes such discomfort and didn't work I didn't go back. That was in 2018 I think they said.  I've spent that time rubbing Voltaren and Aspercreme on them.  Need to be careful with Voltaren as it can cause gastric or cardiac incidents.

Not a lot changes here. I can't get the VA buy phone to make an appt. to finish Wil's appeal. Now I get the recording they do all that buy phone. Well great you can't catch a human.  I need to see if I can do it but just can't get myself to try.  All those hearing tests, one with a change and I can't get myself to the form.  Sometimes I worry about myself. Sort of get up and go got up and went.

It's 7 p.m. and I finally felt hungry enough to eat. I shouldn't eat after 6.  Wil wasn't hungry either  but since I got the macaroni salad out he will eat some.  Just went to the commissary this morning, got every thing on the list.  If I recall the most expensive thing we bought...wait for this... toilet paper!  Hope it lasts a couple weeks.  Kleenex is another item that can get pricey, I bought some cheaper. I always lose some tearing them out of the box the first time, well one any way.

Wil had a prescription to pick up and I never thought he would have to give his birth date and later he told me he forgot it. He thought it funny, thankfully.  He did real well following me with the cart.  It's been awhile since he went.  I'm just floored how much it costs for 2 people, though we had gotten down to only two packages of chicken in the freezer. Got a couple small hamburger, pork, and one pkg. of chicken I divided into 4.

That little trip wore both of us out. Of course we had to unload and put away and once things were in the refrigerator I made a sandwich  and he got one as I had to sit down. Now someone tell me why when I ride an electric cart why I'm so tired?  Could it be the bit of yard stuff I did before we left? Thistles are taking over here.

I'm sitting here wondering how Michel is doing. Any one know?

Tonight I looked up and grabbed my cell phone and moved as quick as possible to get a beautiful sunset. I haven't done that in a long while.  https://www.facebook.com/2bonnieb  can find it here.

Any of you following me over there no I have been taking care of little Pookie after he broke his leg. (2015 last time).  Got him on pellets now that I found some he can eat. Dr. suspects something metabolic is going on because his bones should not break when he falls.  Her mother was our vet and she never mentioned that in 2015.  So for 6-8 wks he must stay on the bottom of his cage.  I put cardboard (tore up a Kleenex box and other boxes) around the bottom of his cage.  Will only move him out when I have to change the paper in the bottom under cedar chips.  He doesn't like to be picked up.  Think it is harder for him now with cataracts.

 Carissa wanted a picture of dad smiling. He's actually laughing at something I said about the first try. I should of noticed I needed to smooth his hair down though.

We were at Denney's for lunch. My fish was tasty though a little salty, the zucchini was greasy with butter, the mashed potatoes were on the same plate soaking up the greasy stuff.  I couldn't have the potatoes I wanted, they were out of them.   Wil seemed to enjoy his meat loaf and his veggie was in a little dish.

We wanted to order dessert, he likes their vanilla shakes. They were out of vanilla ice cream!  No with miserable weather I didn't stop at Dairy Queen on the way home.

Making all of this happening around us less than comfortable the waitress had every table on that side and that meant seat people, take their order, bus tables, get water she forgot, you have to ask apparently, no extra napkins either.  I sure wasn't going to bother her.

I ruined my ice coffee as I dumped a half and half in it and couldn't taste any coffee. I had asked for caramel in it, couldn't taste it either. You would think I could remember my taste is only on the tongue.

Had to dash in the restroom, door on handicap toilet wouldn't lock. Someone tossed toilet tissue on the floor for some reason. Did I tell them?  No the waitress had enough to do.  I did tell the manager as we checked out I didn't appreciate the missing food items and their need for a bus boy.  Never heard so many "sorry's' in my life.  Some how that doesn't sit well.  No I won't hit Friday's because that is when their truck comes in.  That is also when they are busy with visitors here to Lackland AFT for their kids graduation.

Am I grumpy today?  Not really until I answer the robo call from the liar in chief.  I was never afraid to cross party lines until now.

I go between sweat shirt and slacks to shorts and short sleeve shirt.  Furnace on at night, off in the daytime.  Welcome to TX weather.  Took me a long time to get going this morning, had to clean the outside birds dinning table by the bay  window. Guess the squirrel doesn't like the hot coated stuff as I've not seen him on the table. Shame it has peanuts in it as I have no jays that would like those.

Tossed a load in the washer last night so just started it up this morning. Then it was move to the bathroom and haul things out so I could clear the counter. That meant dust out container holding cotton balls, the one holding jewelry, the lamp, you know that kind of thing. When done using water it was put vinegar in the sink, small amount for drain.  The people that made this counter top did not finish it properly at the drain so water being hard discolors it.  Warmed up spaghetti left overs for lunch and by then I'm tired.

Oh of course I fed Pookie and then set petting him using forefinger and thumb trying to break up the moult so the feathers would come through. If he had a mate that is what they would do.  He was fine until I got a small brush, while he couldn't see it he sure could feel it.

I did a search for some upholstery cleaner. Don't have any so just took Dawn on a wet cloth and cleaned the ends of the recliner the best I could.  When the chair was new I think I draped some hand towels as they no longer make covers to put on the arms. Don't know why I quit doing that.  Wil's solution...buy a new chair.  I doubt they even make a recliner this size any more.

Thought I'd show you Carissa's fancy clipboard and paper. You can find the pages I'm coloring on FB.  She is trying to get my files in order for me. (well her too if something happens to me.)

I'm setting up for Wil's new VA doctor, Veterans Affairs for those none military.  She will be a geriatric doctor and they ordered fasting labs before appointment. I was not willing to fight parking at the VA hospital and selected a VA clinic I could drive through. I asked if they have a HIPPA release, no I have to get that at one of the two previous places.

Off we go this morning, Wil quite content to miss his coffee though I told him he could have it black.  I learn as he is called to lab there are no medical records at that facility. So I checked with the other suggested people, Eligibility, no they don't carry them. I'd have to go to the VA hospital.  I learned from the cleaning lady we could catch a shuttle from there and they would bring us back for our car. No wonder there is little parking!

Instead I took him up the street for his choice of a hamburger and coffee for breakfast. I had brought his morning pills along.  Once done there I cut out for the dreaded hospital parking lot. The weather couldn't be more beautiful. I'm in shorts right now.

Finally a parking space, way down in the lot away from hospital. What shuttles are running?  We walked all the way up.  Get in and asked for medical records, it's called something else, he didn't tell us the name, just take a left at the hallway and another left.  All I found there was "Release of Information" and travel vouchers and I forget what was on the right.

We stood in line of one person accompanied by another.  Yes I was in the correct place, showed her Wil's VA card, she never asked me for identification.  I told her I needed a HIPPA release so I could go with him to his doctors. She handed me 2 pages, no place to stand and fill it out, she gave me a clip board and then said I could fill it out at home and just take it with us. Oh she first ask me if I had a Power of Attorney. Thank the Lord I thought to bring it and a Directive to Physician.  She looked at them but did not take copies of them so apparently she filled some box on her computer.

As we head back for the car there came a shuttle. Praise the Lord, of course Wil headed to the back where it is hard for me to balance the walker. lol  But he was so much help as I parked both places and backed out of one.  I learned all the guys in yellow vests that are usually there to park your car are there because they are Union guys. lol  Not sure what they are supposed to be doing now. I joked with one about construction timing.

So now home, rested and can't remember what I'm supposed to put where on that form other than Wil's name and birth date. I'll get some help from Carissa on that.  Hopefully.  Now left to figure out is the entrance in the Mall for the at least hour doctor appointment.  It's the back side of the mall where I've never been.

Yesterday Wil and I were at the Credit Union and I stopped on the way home to get him his donuts. Then I dropped him back here with the money I withdrew (hid it) and told him I was going up to Wal Mart. Knew he didn't want to go. Was fine with him.

At Wal Mart when I sat down in the car I called him I was on the way home, watch for me. He was upset, said he was worried I was gone for a long time. In other words he forgot where I was going. Plus he has no sense of time.  I got home, had to carry the stuff in as he was sitting at his desk.

As I was changing into shorts he came back carrying the spoiled onion in a baggie. Wanted to know what to do with it. I told him. When I got out he was holding a tied bag with a knot, we can't put plastic bags in the green barrel. He opened it, no onion and so the job was to find what he did with the onion.  The barrel has half leaves and sticks. Saw no onion. He joked with me about dumping it to see if it was on the bottom.

But when he came in and locked the door he all of a sudden said he couldn't remember what he was supposed to take to Lackland. (Air Force Base)  I told him Thursday I had to pick up a prescription but knew of nothing else.  He was really perplexed so I asked him Who told him to take something. He said "mom".  He was pacing by then so I told him his mother was dead.  He looked shocked and when I told him to go take a rest he said he wasn't tired and went and set at his desk.  I left him alone and in a few minutes he was back to his normal.

It left me rattled as I knew today I had to get him for blood work. He got right up drank a glass of water, put his hearing aids in and off we go, I  had to back track to get the folder.  So far today he is fine.

Now I know why my doctor insisted I had to make plans.

Got a call from Ava today and that was really nice.  I had stated in FB on one of my posts it is a shame when someone is expressing they are down that no one thinks of a phone call.  We just give sympathetic, or is that empathetic comments.

I realize Scott has now been gone 10 years but the start of every year seems to be when the tears will show up.  Now added to that grief is actually grief that Wil is suffering with dementia. I can't think of a better word than suffering, yet he is not suffering.  Need to dig out the Thesaurus.   (I had it right in front of me and couldn't type it properly) sigh...

It didn't help that our primary physician said I need to make plans rather than wait for a crisis.  We have no insurance for out of home care for either of us.  What plans?  He is in such early dementia I can't see visiting establishments.  I wouldn't remember half of what I learned.  I did get the VA Care phone number, she did tell me there are social workers that will help with that and suggested I make myself a list, short term type. I've already been on the Alzheimer's page and gotten stressed.

Later this month I will make another trip to the Safe Deposit Box and bring the contents home and she will help me organize them.  I sure hope I find the copies of his DD214 I made because they aren't here. I'm betting in my 80 yr. old brain I put them with the original in the box.  sigh..

I requested his medical records but they have yet to make it and he has had both his hearing and skeletal appointments done.  When those results make it to the VA then it is wait for their decision on his disability.  I know his audiologist in system said he has more than 10% hearing loss but she isn't in the decision making process.  No idea what the out of system audiologist found.  I wasn't allowed a copy of the test as it is the property of the VA I'm told.

The only thing I understand about any increase in his disability it will be tax  free.  I'm under the impression they will take it out of his retirement.  He doesn't have a huge retirement, he retired as a Tech Sgt.  In fact that is why he gave his 20 years because he kept getting passed over for Master Sgt.  He was in Security Police and came here as an Instructor for Basic trainees.  SP's didn't make rank easily.

Bet this is all dutch to my civilian friends.