June 30, 2022

• Concerned about me

  I contacted our probate atty as I thought I needed a guardian for Wil if I died. Boy am I embarrassed. I would of been better off re-reading his legal papers because Wil's durable power of attorney I knew named me but didn't realize it allows for whoever his 'agent' is if I die.  sigh..

  I'm trying so hard to be sure no stone is unturned and my mind has just gone off track. I'm having more difficult days with him and didn't even think about it after. I have kept a journal on the computer so I could print out anything for his doctor but until I read over it last night I didn't realize how many times he has gotten mad. Seems sundowner times. My friend said he is not being 'childish' as I said it is the dementia. He just doesn't realize it and she is afraid he may strike out at me. That never occurred to me as he has been a gentle soul.

  As I re-read I realized I have been in the mode victims of domestic violence, I have blamed myself when he got mad, I sometimes didn't know why he got mad and often I blamed myself as the trigger. Which I have been at times, you just don't argue. When he hits denial I may as well not say "well we are the only two here and I didn't put that in your drawer". Reference my french fries the other day that he took off the kitchen stove and put it in his desk drawer.  Last week I found the chicken he didn't finish wrapped in plastic and paper towels in the bottom drawer of the desk. Wouldn't have found it if I wasn't looking for my military ID.

  Now that ID is another story. I went to take him for a hair cut and found it gone. I was able to get on base as I had his. I stewed and looked for 2 days thinking he had picked it up as he does. So yesterday my friend Millie and husband came by to look too. Knowles explained the form I was going to have to fill out for a replacement as well. This was really stressing me.

  As they prepared to leave Millie opened the coat closet to look in pockets. She found it! My light jacket, and had probably been there since his last hair cut as it hasn't been cold enough for a jacket.

  Knowles also found my social security card in my wallet I had just gone over. It was stuck to the back of another card. I took it out and put it back in the glass barrel it had been in for years. I figure if anyone stole my wallet I'd have a heck of a time replacing it.  I have Wil's back here with his drivers license and house keys and car keys I took from him a long time ago. Won't put it in the glass barrel as he might get in that. I have to hide even groceries. Often he can't remember he just ate.

  You see why I'm concerned about me? Aging doesn't help memory. Add to that the days I am in pain. I do have someone right now to do my floors a couple times a month. Yet the new kitchen floor drives me nuts and I try to sweep and use the Swiffer mop on it and bathroom in between.

  The VA has Wil on Respite care twice a month so I can make my doctor appointments and they also have him weekly for shave and shower assistance. I still haven't driven to a care center they told me about since the one up the street is not satisfactory.  But I seldom go out as I order groceries.

  The cowbells on the door did not work so I found someone to install a battery operated alarm I can turn off and on and I leave it off when I'm around the living room etc. I set it in the late afternoon usually.

  I still color to relax and come back here to the computer.

  • 5:34 pm
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